He's Like
by shadow243ali
Summary: The Doctor is many things... The comedic version of what the words meant in the episode 'Family Of Blood'.
1. He's Like Fire

He's Like...

**AN: this is a series of one shots packed into one story. I was watching Family of blood and I was thinking about that speech Timothy gave and I just thought, why not turn that into something funny so here it is…Enjoy and review! **

**He's Like Fire...**

The Doctor had donned an apron, much to Rose's amusement, and now stood in the kitchen of the Tardis...staring.

"Doctor, are you alright?" asked Rose. She was pretty sure that he hadn't a clue what he was doing but due to the fact she had made a bet with him that said he couldn't make a meal without something going wrong, it now meant the Doctor wasn't going to admit he need help. Nor was he going to admit he was wrong.

"Fine! fine!" he muttered, in response to her question. "Just getting the creative juices going in my mind."

"We could just get a takeaway if you can't do it." she suggested.

The Doctor turned around and looked at Rose, outrage apparent on his face. "Rose, I am over 900 years old. I am pretty capable of making some food for the two of us. It's just I can't remember how to do it at this precise moment. Maybe if you leave me alone for a while and I'll call you when it's done."

Rose nodded her head, trying hard not to laugh when she saw him pick up a saucepan and examined it with his sonic screwdriver. As she slowly headed out the door, she muttered. "Aliens! Too stubborn to admit they can't do something."

Ten minutes after Rose had left the room the Doctor had examined everything in the kitchen he could find and yet he still did not know what to do. He was so sure he had done this before. Why couldn't he remember it now?

Slowly he picked up a saucepan and headed over to the stove. "Okay, it's just me and you saucepan. If you don't blow up on me I won't turn you into a metal Barbie girl. I know! I know, harsh terms but just make sure everything goes okay. And you'll still have your dignity and I'll have mines.Got it?"

The Doctor started throwing in random ingredients into his pot. The Doctor was balancing a cookbook on his elbow as he threw in a couple of carrots. They were good for the eyes, weren't they? Or was that corritons from Marrecusue. He could never remember.

It was then when the worst possible thing that could ever happen to someone balancing more than six items over a hot stove. The Doctor now had to sneeze.

"Aha..." He could feel it coming "Ahaha..."

He was helpless to resist when it finally came. "AHHHAAAAAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The items in his hands fell loose from his grip when he went to cover his nose. And before his horror he saw the old dusty cookbook he had been balancing on his elbow fall into his slurp of so called food.

Without thinking he reached into grab it, hopefully before it contaminated the food. As soon as the liquid touched his skin, he realised he had made a stupid mistake.

His hand felt like it was on fire as he hopped around blowing on it. "Hot hot hot hot hot..."

He opened the fridge door and stuck his and into the bucket of ice they conveniently had in there. "Ahhhhhhhhhh..." he said delightfully, "Much better."

Ten minutes later and the Doctor had went back to cooking. He was now trying to microwave a tin of beans Two minutes later it blew up. The Doctor remained unhurt save for his hair being covered in beans. He spent 20 minutes fixing his hair until it got back its shiny vibrant self, with the help of 'Head and Shoulders' shampoo and conditioner.

"Doctor, is it ready yet?" asked Rose, knocking on the door.

"Yeah, almost done Just give me an half an hour or so." he said averting his gaze back to the heap of food that scattered the table and floor. He walked over to the fridge and opened the door.

"Eggs!" he cried, gleefully.

"What?" he heard Rose say, behind him.

"Nothing, I'll call you when it's done." he shouted back whilst juggling the eggs. He could make eggs. Eggs were simple. At least he remembered them being easy to make.

He got out the frying pan and began to work his magic. They sizzled as the Doctor smiled happily. Nothing was going wrong. He decided to go get some bread to stick in the toaster. Simple! And Rose said he couldn't cook.

He popped the bread and looked at it carefully, placing his hands on the counter. He sniffed the air. "That smells good!" he said aloud to himself.

Was it always this warm? He looked down at his hand and noticed the orange flame gleam back at him.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" he screamed, finally noticing he was on fire. "I'm on Fire! I'm on Fire! I'm on Fire!"

He dropped to the ground and rolled over again and again. Safe in the knowledge he wasn't on fire anymore, he cautiously got up and saw that his toast and eggs were now burnt to a crisp. Like his white shirt. Thank God he had taken off his jacket when he washed his hair he thought to himself

"I can't let Rose know about this" he muttered.

The Doctor went and picked up the phone and punched in some numbers. On the third ring they answered. "Hello Dominoes. Do you make street calls? You do..."

_Two minutes later..._

"...blue box. You can't miss it. Yes, I'll pay triple and I'll tip good too just..."

_Four more minutes later..._

"No this isn't a joke. I actually want it delivered to a blue box..."

_Twenty two minutes later..._

The Doctor stood waiting outside the Tardis waiting for the pizza man to come. Luckily for him, Rose had fallen asleep waiting for him to finish cooking and just in case he had gotten the Tardis to switch the rooms around just incase she did wake up.

"Finally!" he muttered to himself as he saw the familiar moped from Dominoes.

"Here's your money!" He shoved a handful of notes into the pizza boy's hand and grabbed the pizzas before popping back into the Tardis.

"You forgot your napkins." the boy shouted to the wooden box.

The Doctor's head popped out, grabbed the napkins. "Thanks!"

The boy flicked through the wad of notes that had been shoved in his hand. There was over £500 pounds in the handful and the boy stared back at the blue box in amazement. He shoved the money in his pocket and shouted, "Thanks mate."

It was then that he saw it materialise away. All that was left was air as the boy took a step back before getting on his moped and driving as fast as he could in the other direction.

--

The Doctor gently woke Rose awake. He whispered softly, "Rose..."

Rose grunted and pulled the covers up more. "Rose, wake up..."

She looked up bleary eyed at the Doctor. "Huh?"

"The food's ready."

She pulled the covers back rubbing her eyes. "It is?"

The Doctor nodded.

--

Rose sniffed at the pizza before hesitantly taking a bite.It looked okay. It smelt okay. It..tasted good. "This ain't 'alf bad."

"I'll take my money then." The Doctor held out his hand as he munched on a slice of pizza.

Rose reluctantly pulled out a scrunched up tenner from her jeans and handed it over to the Doctor. He went back to eating.

"Doctor..."

"Hmm..." he said, finishing another slice.

"What happened to the microwave?"

He looked up and mumbled with a mouth full of pizza. "Arsitike dibefencesss"

"What?"

He cleared his throat and replied, "Artistic differences."

"Oh..." she grinned. "And the pizza boxes in the bin would be?"

"Rubbish from last night's dinner."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah sure it is."

He raised his eyebrows. "Are you calling me a liar, Rose Tyler?"

"Course not!" she said digging into the pizza. "How'd you make it?"

"With pita bread, tomato sauce and an array of meat and vegetables." He replied having memorised the answer. He was sure she was going to ask him that and he was prepared...for once. "Rose, I bet you can' cook a pizza as good as this?"

"I could..." she replied. "It would be better than this one."

He grinned. "Bet you a tenner you couldn't."

_24 hours later..._

Rose picked up the phone and dialled in a number. She waited as it rang and grinned when she they finally answered. "Hello Dominoes. Do you make street calls?"


	2. He's Like Ice

**AN: Second part of my story. Next chapter will be, 'He's like Rage...' so keep on the look out for it. Oh and for the record, I know Jack wasn't with Ten and Rose but I'm not very good with writing Nine plus it's funnier with Ten. Oh slight swearing in this chapter as well.**

**He's Like Ice...**

"Rooooooooooooosssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeee!!" screeched the Doctor, for the thirtieth time. He sighed, noticing the crisp puff of air clearly visible in front of him.

His hands felt numb. So did his feet. And also his ears. Had it been his previous incarnation, he would be pretty sure that his ears would have been in more danger from getting frostbite than they were now. At least his thick hair offered some protection. The same could not be said for what he was wearing.

He now realised the drawbacks of wearing a suit. They weren't useful when it came to being trapped in a walk in freezer for three and a half hours. How he hadn't frozen to death so far was a mystery to him especially considering the below freezing temperatures he was trapped in.

"Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-" The Doctor coughed having ran out of breath to finish his cry. He took another. "-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!"

"What?" he heard a familiar voice shout back.

"Rose, get me out of here!" the Doctor said whilst banging his fists on the door. "I'm bloody freezing!"

Rose could hear his voice echoing thorough the corridors. Yet she couldn't seem to place where exactly it was coming from. "Where are you?"

"The freezer."

A sound muffled his voice as she tried to listen to him. "The what?"

"The freezer?" he repeated a second time, his annoyance increasing.

"The what?" she asked unable to hear him above the noise of the fan.

That was all his patience could hold before the Doctor lost his temper and began to shout in his most loudest of voices and in a manner Rose had never heard him speak in before. Most likely because she had never heard the Time Lord so cold and annoyed in his life.

"THE FREEZER, ROSE! I'M STUCK IN THE FUCKING FREEZER AND I'M COLD THAN A SKINLESS CHICKEN IN ANTARCTICA - That's the planet by the way. SO GET ME OUT OF THE DAMN FREEZER!"

"Oh, the freezer!" she paused, her hand on hovering beside the freezer. "What are you doing in there?"

He shivered, rubbing his arms for warmth. "The door shut on me when I was getting some ice cream."

Rose pulled on the handle and after jingling with it a bit managed to get it open to see the Time Lord - pale skin, rosy cheeked, tiny icicles forming on the bridge of his nose with white tuffs of snow sprinkled amongst his hair.

For one moment the Doctor thought she was going to give him a hug. However his thoughts were wrong as Rose burst into laughter.

"It's not funny!" he shouted.

Rose tried to stop, yet proved uneventful. "It is a little bit funny if you think about it."

She went over to hug him as she saw a look that could make anyone feel sorry for him. It was a look she knew far too well and one he had perfected to an almost absurd degree. Of course he had to give her the wounded puppy look. All big eyed and sad.

Unbeknowst to either of them; too busy with their hug, they had failed to notice the fact that the door to the walk in freezer had creaked shut. The both jumped in alarm at the noise.

The Doctor cried in horror as he was once again trapped in the freezing cold. Rose pushed against the door and once unable to budge it, sighed.

The Doctor and Rose shared a look of defeat before simultaneously shouting, "JAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!"

Neither of them knew it would be another hour and a half before the ex-time agent would hear their cries.

**AN: Review if you liked it...go on you know you want to. :)**


	3. He's Like Rage

**AN: I know I haven't updated this story in a while but here's the next chapter so enjoy!**

**He's Like Rage…**

"Rose!" The Doctor voice screeched through the halls, echoing in the vast corridors, "Rose, where are you?"

The fury of the Time Lord was one thing Rose had learned to stay away from in the past and now all she had to do was keep out of his way until he calmed down enough.

"ROSE! I know you're around here somewhere!" Rose bit back a laugh as he went past, catching a glimpse of the damage her unintended incident had caused him. She closed her eyes willing herself not to laugh, she needed to do anything but laugh.

Unable to contain it, Rose snorted loudly enough for a certain Time Lord to hear in the distance. She knew she had been caught from the moment his footsteps had stopped squelching on the corridor but she had hoped – really hoped – he wouldn't come in and find her because other than feeling guilty, Rose knew she would be able to stop laughing.

The door opened and Rose squeezed her eyes shut. Maybe if she didn't look at him then she could stop herself from laughing. It was a possibility.

"Rose…" His voice growled in warning as he kneeled down in front of her, "Look at me!"

She hesitantly opened one eye and instantaneously shut it again, biting down on her lip. She couldn't laugh.

"Rose! Don't you even think about laughing! If you laugh then I'm – "

"What you gonna do, Doctor? Tie me up? Get me to face a Slitheen?" She opened her eyes, and looked down, a twinge of guilt spreading through her, "Push me into a pool of goo?"

One more look at his appearance was all Rose could take before bursting out laughing. His finger rose in warning, but that only fuelled her now unstoppable laughter.

Next thing Rose knew the Doctor had picked her up and slung her over his gooey shoulder. She squirmed under the green goo that the Doctor had passed onto her and she squealed as one of his hands fell upon the spot that the Doctor had long ago found out made her squeamish.

"Doctor, let me go!" she yelped out as his fingers lightly dabbled under her ribs. She bit back laughter, knowing it would only make him feel superior. She would never admit he was winning.

"Nope!" She could practically hear him grin, "I have no intention of letting you go."

"You better otherwise-"

"Otherwise what? You'll what?" He said mimicking her earlier words, "Set your mother on me? I've already been slapped and kissed by woman. There is no more torturous things she can do to me." His grip tightened in one hand as he used the other to open the door that Rose, even slightly upside down, knew to be as the door to his bedroom.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" Rose asked, apprehension approaching her fast. She couldn't help but think of a number of reasons why he would be bringing her to his room, but she had considered each one of them more preposterous than the previous. Maybe if she moved about, she would be able to stop him from doing whatever it was that he was planning to do.

His hand brushed against a small part of her exposed skin, causing her to gasp, as he brought up his second hand to stop her trying to get out of his grip. He laughed and Rose had never felt such a big urge to slap him at that moment, but that practically battled against her urge to kiss him as his hand gently titillated against her bare back, the spot where her shirt was riding up slightly. She laughed at the contact, feeling her hairs prickled upwards

He threw her on the bed and her eyes widened in surprise as he leaned over her. She opened her mouth expecting some kind of words to found, but remained unable to articulate any coherent sentences. He grabbed her arms, moving them towards the headrest when she finally heard the soft 'click' as he leaned back grinning.

Snapped out of her revery, she found her hands confined in handcuffs and suddenly she understood, "Let me out!"

He grinned in satisfaction and slowly leaned forward whispering, "No..."

"Doctor, I'm warning you!" She hoped her face was as serious as she intended for it to be.

He ignored her threats, choosing to savour his victory instead. He placed his hands in his pockets. His grin widened as his eyes trailed over her. She would have normally blushed a little at his stare normally, but suddenly found that anger was overtaking any embarrassment she might have usually felt in these situations.

"So Rose Tyler, you just sit here and think about your actions and I'm going to have a nice long shower. Maybe I'll stop off and get some chips for me to eat at dinner. Now you just stay there and maybe if you've learned your lesson then I might let you out," She could hear the cockiness in his voice as she stared daggers at him. His hand rose in mid-air as he smugly said, "Toodles!"

He waved at her, before leaving the room. Rose knew from that moment that the fury of the Time Lord was nothing compared to what she would do to him when she got out of here.

"DOCTOR, LET ME OUT!"

The only reply she got was the laughter of the Time Lord .

To be continued...

**AN: Yeah, that wasn't really rage but I ended up writing that and I thought it was funny so I kept it. He's ancient will be next up. Review if you enjoyed :)**


	4. He's Like The Night

**AN: Whoops, I kind of forgot about this story if I'm honest, but I have been busy. A review from welshdragon prompted me to remember and the half finished chapter I've had on my computer suddenly got finished. I couldn't think of what to do really so I just went with the first random thing that came into my head. Plus if I'm not that good at writing Jack so I apologize if it's bad.**

**He's Like The Night**

The shadow crept through the darkened corridor. An eerie light - however minimal it was - made his silhouette all the more unnatural. Its owner was not a predator of the night, but its movements were calculated and quick.

Intelligence was its mastermind. It had brought the plan out of the deep dark crevasses of his mind and into the view. A perfect plan, he decided, a brilliant plan. One that no one could ruin, maybe not even himself. The perfect plan...for revenge.

The Doctor swore under his breath as his toe hit against something hard. This wasn't the Tardis so he didn't know the corridors like the back of his hands, but he wasn't going to let that small detail stop him. He felt for the wall again, before continuing.

His steps were light; each of his feet clad in only socks and armed with the knowledge that shoes would make too much noise against the grated floor. That tidbit of information and that hamsters didn't like him. He didn't know why, and it wasn't really relevant to what he was about to do, but at least if he happened to come upon a hamster in his midnight prowl then it would be best to walk in a different direction.

He suddenly found himself by the door of his intended target. He smiled to himself as he dug his hand into his pocket, making sure he had definitely had the object otherwise his late night adventure would have been for nothing. He smiled. It was still there, just like it had been the five other times he had checked.

He opened the door. It didn't squeak, like he almost expected it to.

He stepped inside the room, closing the door gently behind him and quickly tiptoed towards the bed.

"What are you doing?" he swung around on his toes, almost yelling out in surprise as a hand clapped on to his arm.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered quietly, regaining his composure.

Rose feigned innocence, raising her hands in the process, "I heard you pacing the corridors." He silently cursed his feet; they made way too much noise, "I figured you were up to something." She looked over his shoulder to the sleeping figure in the bed whose silhouette was being lit up by the moonlight, "What are you going to do to Jack?"

He hid his hands behind his back, "Nothing."

She raised an eyebrow, which he could barely see in the darkness of the room, "Doctor." she warned.

"Fine." He huffed, "I drugged him."

"You drugged him!" Her voice rose in volume and he promptly responded by 'Shhh-ing' her, "Sorry," she whispered, "You drugged him! Why?"

"So I could sneak in without him waking up and..." He trailed away as Jack made a loud groan behind him. He held his breath until he went back to snoring.

"I've never noticed how loud he snores."

"Yeah..." He agreed.

"Still he's not as bad as you."

"Yeah..." He replied absentmindedly, "Wait, what?" She stared blankly at him, "I don't snore!"

"You do." She stated, "Remember that time we got stuck overnight in that ice planet. You know, because of the snowstorm even though it was meant to be the planet's equivalent to summer."

"I said I was sorry." He protested, "How was I meant to realise that I had accidentally set it to the wrong month?"

"By checking first?" she suggested, "If you had then I wouldn't have stepped outside wearing a bikini and sarong and I wouldn't have had to spend an hour walking in the freezing cold after it turns out we landed in the middle of a sacred festival."

"I gave you my coat to keep you warm!" he pointed out, receiving a glare in return.

"Yeah, I was still wearing sandals as we walked through the snow."

"And I apologized and they gave you back your bag of spare clothes. And I started a fire once we found a room at that hotel."

"Yeah and you nearly set fire to the curtains! Twice!"

The Doctor awkwardly scratched the back of his head, "Yeah, I suppose that did happen but…" Rose raised an eyebrow, "Sorry." He mumbled, casting his head downwards.

"Yeah, well next time, just check before we leave. Now tell me what you're planning to do to Jack."

The Doctor grinned, "Well…"

And then he began to explain.

"What?" She shouted, Jack didn't stir from his slumber, "You're going to do what?"

"Well, I just told you! And will you keep it down! He's drugged, but by how loud you're shouting you could probably wake up the whole place."

"You're the one going around drugging people so you can-" The Doctor lamped a hand of Rose's mouth and she mumbled into it.

"Shhh!" he whispered. "Can you hear something?"

Rose tensed instantly; her ears strained to hear for noise, "What is-"

He lamped a hand over her mouth and pushed her back against the wall. She would have let out a yelp of surprise had it not been for the fact he had a hand covered over her mouth. She locked gazes with him and noticed that he had not found anything strange to what he was doing, seeing as he was now averting his gaze away form her and towards the closed door with suspicion.

A creak seemed to echo from behind the door as a foot pushed against the squeaky floorboard, the handle twitched slightly before it turned, the door opening slightly.

The Doctor pushed her into the wall even more, pressing himself against her in an effort to hide himself from view. So much so that Rose wouldn't have been surprised if they both fell through the wall.

Rose could just glimpse the side of a head, peering in. Had it not been for the fact they were directly behind the door, they would have stood out even amongst the darkness of the room.

After a moment's pause the door closed and with the fading footsteps, Rose released a breath she had not realised she had been holding. She turned her gaze to the Doctor who had not moved, and was still listening intently.

She attempted to say something to draw his attention, but his hand was still pressed against her mouth so all that managed to get out was an incoherent mumble.

Yet it did the trick.

He turned to look at her, their eyes staring at each other – an unspoken conversation going on within them. She had not noticed until that very moment how close in proximity their faces were from each other.

The same thought seemed to have struck the Doctor who after a mumbled apology, averted his gaze and dropped the hand from her mouth, taking a step away from her in the process.

"Ok then," He turned, a grin returning to his face, "Now let's get back to the plan."

She laughed lightly at the childish glee in his eyes, still apparent in the glimmer of moonlight from the window that lightened his face, "You are such a child." She stated with a grin.

"Am not!" The Doctor protested, his stomping foot and pout contrasting to his statement.

She rolled her eyes," You so are!"

"Take that back, Rose Tyler!"

"No!"

"Yes…" Rose gave a pointed look and realisation dawned on him, he dropped the finger he had been pointing at her with a sigh as he resigned himself to the facts, "Oh fine, I am a child."

"Told you so." She whispered, "So what should we do first?"

He reached within his jacket and pulled out a small bag. Rose's eyes widened as she recognised the pattern adorning it, "Oi! That's mine!"

The Doctor looked down, a look of guilt gracing his features, but she knew that face very well and he was not one bit guilty, "What else was I meant to use?"

"I…" She faltered, as she imagined the Doctor heading into a shop, browsing the aisle and getting strange looks from women, "…dunno. Get your own next time!"

"Fine I will." He pulled another familiar item out of Rose, "I'll get this next time as well, but for now I'll just have to borrow your things."

Rose's face grew crimson with embarrassment; she was thankful that it was dark, but embarrassment soon turned to anger, "You went through my underwear drawer!" she shouted, Jack stirred once more but remained oblivious as he continued to snore.

"Sorry." The Doctor grinned sheepishly.

"Oh you will be!" she muttered darkly, staring daggers at him.

"Let's get on with this. Think of how funny it'll be. It'll make you laugh," The Doctor offered weakly, "I promise."

"It would be more funny if it didn't involve anything that belonged to me."

"I know." He offered her the bag, "First honours."

She rolled her eyes at him and took the bag from his hands, "Fine."

------

Jack yawned as he stretched his arms as the morning sunrays poured in from his open window. He stretched his neck, rubbing his eyes as he stood up for the first time and suddenly felt…unusual.

He looked down, and raised an eyebrow in surprise to find himself dressed in woman's clothes, a bra and skirt in fact. And pantyhose?

"Haven't had this happen in a while." He muttered to himself, admiring his legs, "Not too bad."

What had he done last night? His head was killing him, probably one to many to drink. Now, where were his clothes?

Jack spied a wardrobe nearby and opened it to find it empty. He also happened to glance at his reflection; his normally rugged good looks were smeared with excessive amounts of make up. Although the eye shadow did suit his eyes.

He shrugged his shoulders, went to the door and opened it, walking out. The Doctor and Rose had to be somewhere around here.

He finally found them in the dining room of the hotel. He wasn't surprised that on his way here, a few raised eyebrows had occurred and a couple of giggles from some very eye pleasing girls. He winked at them cheekily, causing them to giggle once more.

Jack took a seat beside the Doctor and Rose, who were staring at him slack jawed, stealing a piece of toast from the Doctor's plate. He took a bite before calmly asking, "I must have one hell of evening last night. Seen my clothes around anywhere?"

The Doctor and Rose turned to look at each other before they promptly fell about laughing, tears streaming down their face.

"Very funny guys." Jack commented as they continued to their hysteria, "I'll be in the Tardis."

He patted the Doctor on the back – very hard – before walking out with his head held high. He noticed the giggling girls one again on his way out, "Hello ladies."

Rose, who was in still in view of Jack, nudged the Doctor who looked and the duo found themselves laughing even harder, "Oh that was funny." The Doctor finally commented.

"So funny." She agreed, "Never wearing those again."

"I think it suits him." Rose smiled. The Doctor joined in. "What should we do next time?"

**The End…**

**AN: Yes, I haven't updated this in months. I am so SO **_**SO**_** very sorry but you have to admit, the chapter is a bit funny? Is it not? Imagine Jack Harkness in drag…come on, that's funny. Who knows if there'll be a new chapter, but this story will live on as long as I can think of ideas. Review if you have the chance or if you would like another chapter. ******


End file.
